It was about 6:15 in the evening when I got home. I unpacked the supplies I had just bought from the grocery store, including bottles of unsweetened iced tea, a couple of Naked Juices and a salad for the comedown. I took a nice, hot shower and changed into soft sweats. I took out my scale and bag of powdered psilocybin (I had previously ground down dried mushrooms in a coffee grinder). My previous heroic dose several months ago had been just over six grams. This time I measured just over seven grams and mixed it into a Naked Juice. I pounded the concoction which went down very smoothly – the mushroom taste well masked by the thick, fruit flavors. In preparation for the experience, I had only eaten a light lunch of vegan, Vietnamese noodles.
By the time I drank the smoothie, it was about 7:00 PM. I was in my softly lit bedroom. I laid down on the bed and put on some ambient electronica (Tomorrow Comes Today (Route 8, Quails), Without You (Model Man), Shiver (Marley Carroll)). I started reading the Dalai Lama’s Introductory Commentary to a translation of The Tibetan Book of the Dead. About 30 minutes in, as I’m reading about the three realms of existence – the formless realm, the form realm and the desire realm – the words on the page start to gently sway and levitate ever so slightly. I put the book down and close my eyes.
The backdrop is one of pastel hues and soft wavy patterns. My mind is in a clear meditative state at this point, without racing thoughts, and I’m riding the wave as the patterns lazily shift in sync with my breath. I’m in a good place for now… I know the full weight of seven grams has not hit me yet. Intricate geometry. Lovely, soft colors. Travelling through portals into different patterned rooms.
I decide to open my eyes. It’s unmistakably my room, but it is definitely not the same as when I closed my eyes. I’m seeing air – there is texture to it. Clear, transparent yet complex patterns. Lines like one might see from the outline of a Jellyfish in water. The ceiling moves down toward me (or am I floating up?). The fan has a sentience to it and appears to be floating down towards me. It makes me a little uneasy, but none of this is overly distressing. However, the earlier bliss and calm is receding…
Then, I shut my eyes again and now I am part of the ether. Totally unaware of my body. I feel a powerful divine presence. It, a blinding light, is metaphysically next to me. I am not enveloped in it but just on the periphery of it. I am witness to it and can sense its presence. I would imagine that, at this point, if someone were to look at me, my expression would be one of rapture, mouth agape. I am in awe at the power and purity I am witness to. I can feel a cleansing of my soul. I have been touched. Purified. I am communing with God, and I know with certainty that it is possible – this feeling that so many religious practices describe and seek to attain.
Then, I am tumbling back down from the nether regions of the universe, and all of my current burdens are convulsing me. One after the other – familial responsibilities, work responsibilities, wanting to do better, be better. I’m sinking into the bed and then it feels like I’m going underwater. At one point, I, literally, have that burning feeling in my nose that you get when you do a flip underwater. My breathing is constricted.
I see black serpents wrapping around my body. Maybe even coming out of my throat? They are beautiful in their own way. There is a seductiveness to them. While I’m not panicked by them, dark thoughts begin to flood my brain as they wrap tighter around me. I think of all of the greed, corruption and desire surrounding me. I see unimaginably beautiful, objects and works of art. Palaces and temples grander and more intricately detailed than the Taj Mahal. The serpents are threatening to choke me, crush my soul. Before they overtake me, I exert myself mentally to break free from them and stand up. It is as if I have broken free of chains wrapping my body.
I am up now, and I feel a power coursing through my body. I make my way to the bathroom. I feel like a giant and with each powerful, purposeful, substantial step I am reminded of the unlimited power within me… within everybody. I make it to the dark bathroom and proceed to urinate and feel sweet relief.
I come back out of the bathroom and my head begins to nod to the music, and then I am one with the music, moving with the music. I begin to see images of friends dressed in beautiful, indigenous clothing, also in a trance – moving to the music. It makes me feel that I am part of an exotic, eclectic tribe.
Then all of a sudden, it’s as if I’ve been struck by a thunderbolt, and I am brought to my knees. The power flowing through my veins is gone, and I begin to sob uncontrollably. It is an unburdening, and at the same time a lesson in humility. One moment you can feel invincible, and the next you can be reduced to nothing.
I crawl onto my bed and under the covers. I find comfort in the warmth. I let thoughts come and go. I clear my mind and take the ride down. Nothing is moving and swirling anymore. The music is no longer permeating my mind and body. And I am back in my normal bed and normal room. I glance at my phone and the residual effects of the psilocybin cause the screen and icons to glow a little brighter. It is 12:30 AM. Five and a half hours after I began my journey.
I move downstairs to the living room and pour a glass of wine and reflect, my head jumbled from the intensity of what I had just experienced. I get lost in thoughts of communing with God, breaking free of black serpents and not getting consumed by power. I make my way back upstairs, wash up and, at around 2:00 AM, I drift off into sleep…